The REAL Warriors
by Wolfgirl666
Summary: Sure we read the books. But the lives of the warrior cats are much more...odd... Rated for stupididty, mild language, and violence. R&R please! Flamers will be ignored.
1. Introduction

Hi readers I'm Wolfgirl666. You know that. This story is an author-powered story, but if you have an idea, review or PM me and I will use it and give credit where it's due. Keep all content on a T rating (*** out cuss words, no adult themes). I always welcome ideas. This story is NOT interactive OR in script format, kay? No reporting PLEASE! Read and Review.

Your friend and the awesomest wolf/person/cat/whatever that ever existed, the humble (eh who am I kidding?),

Wolfgirl666


	2. Chapter 1: Firestar's New TV

Firestar, Sandstorm, Leafpool, Squirrelflight, Jayfeather, Lionblaze, and (not dead) Hollyleaf are at Best Buy shopping for a new TV.

"Oooh look at this 32" plasma screen!"Sandstorm suggests.

"No, Onestar has that one." Firestar says.

"How about a 73" plasma?" Leafpool wonders.

"Does it have 3D capability?" Lionblaze asks.

"Yup."

"Blackstar has it." Firestar sighs.

"Oof!" grunts Jayfeather as her runs into a box. Firestar gasps.

"It's perfect! A 103" plasma with 3D capability! I have...53 mouse bones." Firestar says.

"And I have credit cards, gift cards, and the checkbook." Sandstorm tells him.

They buy the TV and install it in Firestar's den where there's already a microwave and popcorn cabinet and a Wii. Firestar tosses out his old TV.

The song California Gurls starts playing and Squirrelflight pulls out her cell phone and answers. "Hello?- Oh my!- No...really?- Honest?- Oms(Oh my StarClan) we need to talk seriously, face to face.- How about Starbucks?- Great!- See you there!- Bye." Squirrelflight hangs up and runs from the den.

Everybody except Firestar leaves. Firestar turns on his new TV and watches his favorite show.

"Hello cats, and welcome to another episode of Obsessions Revealed; Busted! I'm your host, Dawnpelt. Today we're getting these cats! Tigerheart and Dovepaw: are they in a relationship? Jayfeather: Does he have a crush on a piece of wood? Willowshine: crazed fan of the book series Seekers. Mousewhisker: has he fallen for a RiverClan warrior? Kestrelflight: is he a big kit at heart? Onestar: His secret den. And a special surprise cat! Now we go to Crowfrost for our first victims."

The screen switches from Dawnpelt to Crowfrost.

"I'm in a tree on the ThunderClan/ShadowClan border, where Dovepaw and Tigerheart have just arrived." Crowfrost whispers.

"My Dove!" Tigerheart cries as he spots Dovepaw.

"Tigey!" she answers.

They start making out. Crowfrost jumps from the tree "You've just been caught on live TV kissing! How do you fee-aaaah!" Crowfrost yowls as both cats attack him. The screen changes back to Dawnpelt.

"Yes that was a ShadowClan warrior and ThunderClan apprentice making out. While they settle their differences, we just got word that Toadfoot will be covering both Jayfeather and Willowshine, so we'll now go to him." Dawnpelt says. The screen switches to show Toadfoot talking on his cell phone.

"Yeah babe. - No I'm not flirting with anyone else, you know I love only you, Petalfur."he notices the camera is rolling. "uh-oh Gotta go. Later." Toadfoot hangs up. "Okay, Jayfeather and Willowshine are coming this way."

"Oh Sticky? I heard you were put back together. Where are you?" Jayfeather calls.

"Where's the bookstore? Where is it?" Willowshine skids in from the other direction. "Jayfeather?"

"Hi Willowshine. My girlfriend, a stick, is ignoring me. Wanna make out?"

"Sure. I got nothing better to do."

Toadfoot goes over to them. "Hi, you're being caught on camera-" they shove him backwards. "Well that was unexpected."

"So was the fact that Pealfur is your girlfriend." Ivypaw calls from offscreen.

"Shut up and keep the czmera still." Toadfoot growls. The screen goes to Dawnpelt again.

"That was the ThunderClan medicine cat and the RiverClan apprentice medicine cat kissing. Wow...now to Icecloud by the lake. Icecloud?"

"I'm spying on Mousewhisker now."

"Oh Minnowtail, if only I could see you all the time. If only you knew-"

Mousewhisker was singing horribly do Icecloud decided to spare everyone's ears and trotted over to him. "Mousewhisker, you've been caught on cam-glub!" Icecloud as thrown into the lake by Mousewhisker. The screen goes back to Dawnpelt.

"Now to Emberfoot at the WindClan camp for the update on Kestrelflight."

Emberfoot is standing over Kestrelflight. When he sees the camera rolling he pokes the cat. Kestrelflight jerks up crying out "Mommy! They're bullying me again!"

When he hears the hoots of laughter he crams yarrow leaves down the offending cats' throats. Screen goes back to Dawnpelt.

"Cleanup in the WindClan medicine den. So we now see Ashfoot, who's by Onestar's den. Ashfoot? Can you hear me?"

"Loud and clear, Dawnpelt. This is Onestar's secret den." She pushes a button and a door opens, revealing a casino complete with hot cats singing and dancing. Onestar himself is playing poker with Mudclaw, Tigerstar, and Spottedleaf. The screen goes back to Dawnpelt.

"Okay. Now for the special surprise cat. I'm going to turn off the camera and then the second camera will turn on." The screen goes dark. Firestar watches the TV with anticipation. Then suddenly...

"Firestar!"

Firestar falls backwards and, on the TV, sees his startled face and Dawnpelt standing over him. "You've been caught obsessed with Obsessions Revealed! How do you feel?"

And Firestar chases Dawnpelt all the way to the ShadowClan camp.


End file.
